The Entertainer

I Played All Kinds of Palaces

In his 1974 hit single The Entertainer, Billy Joel sings:

Ah, but what the hell
You know it's just as well
Cause after a while and a thousand miles
It all becomes the same

He was definitely not singing about being an umpire - or at least, a Chinese menu youth umpire. On five different baseball fields, I worked seven different games, all with their own unique signature. And while it may have felt like I ran a thousand miles, It was anything but the same.

Here’s a look at the crazy week I had…

Game 1: The Tuesday Scorcher

Age: 20+ Men’s League

Field: High School JV field, no foul lines, no batter’s boxes, a crusty brown and cracked home plate, unevenly mowed, with infield dirt baked slightly harder than concrete, no outfield fence, and no dugouts - just exposed benches on each side.

Conditions: 6pm, 97 degrees (106 Heat Index), Wind 0.00 mph

Position: Bases, erhm….Plate

In hindsight, this game probably should have been postponed. As a heatwave bore down on the northeast, teams across the region were smart enough to cancel their games to avoid the brutal oven-like outdoors. But the men? The men are not that smart. So the game was played. In the lot beforehand, as we watched the players shuffle towards the field (one briefly dropping his bag, and circling back to the car for his vape pen), and contemplated the pending contest, my partner decided he wanted to do the plate. Now, my partner that night is a legend. And part of that legendary status is the longevity of his umpiring career. Which is to say, he is also an older man, and definitely susceptible to heat. But, he insisted. And I prepared. After the top of the first inning, I made sure to give him one of the cooling towels I brought. Same thing after the bottom of the first. In the middle of the second, he was looking a little flushed. And after the second inning ended, he went to a knee, and declared “I’m in trouble.” Now, this was a little scary. The players were great, and moved him into the shade and got him ice, and ensured there wasn’t an immediate medical emergency that warranted a call to the paramedics. Once we had him settled, for the game to continue I was going to have to take over behind the plate, and call the game solo. On a 90 foot field, this is no easy task. It’s difficult enough to call balls and strikes for college age (one team was all current college players) and recently graduated players - they throw hard, and with movement. Add the conditions, and then trying to make all the calls on all the bases - it was a big ask.

For the most part, the players understood what I was up against, and were very gracious. There was very little chirping about balls and strikes or any of the calls (in part because I was really locked in that night). But, there’s always one…with no one on, the batter hit a soft ground ball down the third base “line”. The 3rd baseman fielded it just over the base, and made the long throw to first, which was scooped by the 1st baseman in a really close play, that I banged out. Keep in mind that I had to stay on the line to make sure of the fair/foul call, before doing what I could to get up the first base line for the call. And I got it right, all the way around. But not without the batter shouting “Try hustling up, and maybe you would have seen that better!” Even his own teammates didn’t have his back on that one. Men’s league.

I made it through the game (which ended up being a 4-3 gem), about 6 pounds lighter. My partner made it through too, watching from the bench - he’s fine now, and we both have a story.

Game 2: The Wednesday Meltdown

Age: 14u

Field: A brand new turf field, with bizarre dimensions - 240 down the left field line, 360 to left center, 300 in center, the cement wall is out of play, the line from the wall to the pole with the lacrosse net is the out of play line.

Conditions: 7pm, 92 degrees (100 Heat Index), Bugs round the face - 20 mph

Position: Plate

Originally scheduled to be played at 5pm on the last day of the northeast heatwave, the teams agreed that a 7pm start might cool things down just enough to make things, well, slightly less miserable. To accommodate the late start, the game was also moved to a field with lights, which happened to be the oddly dimensioned turf field at a nearby high school.

What the later start saved in temperature it made up for in volume of bugs per square inch. There was actually a pitched I missed because at least 23 buzzing black creatures were occupying the space in my mask at the time.

The game itself was not very good. The level of play was sloppy. Pitchers couldn’t find a consistent rhythm, and there were more errors than usual. In fact, I did not have my best game behind the plate either. I think two nights in a row of really hot and miserable conditions took its toll on my ability to really stay focused, have consistent positioning, and focus. I wasn’t terrible by any means, but I have certainly called better games. In the end, it didn’t matter. The game ended 10-1, with almost everybody happy to just get off the field. Oddly, the weird dimensions and ground rules never came in to play.

Game 3: The Friday Cooldown

Age: 17u/Collegiate

Field: With out a doubt the most well manicured, well maintained high school field in the area - an immaculate infield with a beautiful mountain hill backdrop for scenery.

Conditions: 6pm, 62 degrees, cloudy

Position: Bases

This game featured a high school aged (17u) team against a collegiate aged team, and started out with the promise of being another gem. Both starting pitchers started strong, and both teams were putting the ball in play and making good plays. It also really was more than 35 degrees cooler than a few days before. In the late innings of the game I couldn’t feel some of the fingertips of my left hand (always the first to short circuit in the cold for me).

As the game wore on, and the pitching depth was tested, the innings got a bit longer. The teams traded big hits, including home runs on both sides. For all the action from the hitters, there wasn’t much in the way of close calls for me on the bases, and it would remain that way through the end. The only challenging call I had was a back pick from the catcher to first base with bases loaded (meaning I was in the C position - between the pitcher and 2nd base, to the 3rd base side of the mound). While from there I was a bit straight-lined on the tag, the throw had the runner dead to rights - after delaying my call until I was sure the first baseman maintained control, I called the out.

Things got a little interesting in the last inning…the cloud conditions in combination with the setting sun made it very difficult to clearly track the 7 inning used (greyed) balls. In the bottom of the 7th, I was in C position when the 4 hitter stroked a laser directed right at my forehead. In what can only be described as a Neo from The Matrix bullet dodge I somehow escaped harm. 11-10 final, and home to warm up.

Games 4-5: A Tale of Two 12U games

Age: 12u

Field: A pretty well kept 50/70 field, well lined

Conditions: 10am/12pm, wet, then muggy, then perfect sunny 80 degrees

Position: Bases/Plate

I took the bases for the first game. This usually means easing into a rhythm, and settling in for the game. From the very first pitch of this one though, I was tested. In fact all three outs of the top of the first were tags at second base, with the first play being a rundown. The entire game was non-stop action for me on the bases. In one play, with a runner on first, a ground ball to the shortstop resulted in a “safe, off the bag” call at second, a safe at first, and then an out with the runner trying to make it to third. It seemed like almost every inning was like that.

I did end up having to give one team’s shortstop a warning for arguing a call - he thought my “safe” on a pickoff was wrong - it wasn’t. After the game, his father (the coach) had him apologize to me in the parking lot. That takes a lot for a kid to do, and I definitely appreciate both him and his dad for that.

The second game I took the plate. It wasn’t pretty from the start. In fact, it didn’t last very long. 2.5 innings to be exact. The home team triggered the 15 run-ahead rule in the bottom of the third. These things happen, especially in 12u.

Games 6-7: A Tale of Two 10U games

Age: 10u

Field: A nice little 40/60 field, well lined

Conditions: 9am/12pm, one of the most beautiful days of the summer - a perfect baseball day

Position: Plate/Bases

This day was the exact inverse of the day before. I had the plate for the first game, which turned out to be a very well played, well pitched baseball game = especially for 10u. There were very few walks, and some really solid hitting and defense. The game moved along (finished in 1:30).

The second game was a disaster. What could go wrong, did go wrong for one team. The game ended in a 4th inning 10-run ahead rule (though with one pitch difference it could have ended in the 3rd). Things were pretty slow on the bases, with no challenging (or interesting calls). I did get to hear a lot of amusing chatter amongst the players. “Don’t worry Tommy, that was the craziest bounce I’ve ever seen on a baseball field.” “Dad, you owe me Colony!” (a very good pizza place, after a very nice hit). And one player cheering that the other team scored to prevent the run-ahead rule from being enforced in the 3rd inning, so he would get to bat again.

5 days, 7 games, all crazy different. In between innings of the 6th game, I was telling a coach about my week. He said, “Wow, you must really love it, huh?”

You have no idea, coach.